


the unBEARable bet

by NullLit



Series: crack fics and where to find them [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: BAMF Haruno Sakura, Crack, Deidara talks to his hands, He named them too, I Don't Even Know, I tried to be funny, Itachi is plotting murder, Kisame is just here for a good time, Naruto crack fic, Other, Sasori doesn't make the best choices, So is Kazuku actually, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is the result of being awake at 2am and talking with friends, like what the fuck is this? your guess is as good as mine, no beta we die like men, sorry its so short i started this at 2am and finished at 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 14:20:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19211182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NullLit/pseuds/NullLit
Summary: Sasori is a man with a plan, right? He likes to think so. This is why he’s absolutely not amused when Deidara figures out he could possess literally any object, of course, the fucker had to make a bet that Sasori couldn’t let go because he may be a puppet but he still has his pride.(Or, Sasori ends up inside a giant fucking teddy bear, and he can’t get out because he forgot he needed fingers for fucking jutsu.)





	the unBEARable bet

**Author's Note:**

> this is 100% a crack-fic with my awful attempt at humor thrown in. is it at all possible for Sasori to do this? fuck if i know but we throw canon in the trash and keep it moving. 
> 
> enjoy??

The Akatsuki are an elite group of criminals feared across the world for the power they wield.  

They’re also a bunch of fucking morons.

“Fredrick, today was a rough one, un.” Deidara is sitting on the couch, both elbows propped up on his thighs, palms up. There are mouths on his hands, which is kind of really weird but everyone is kind of weird in their own way so like, whatever. The tongue of his right palm lolls out similar to an excited dog, and Itachi, who is sitting across from the man, looks vaguely affronted when Deidara flicks his wrist and some drool plops into the Uchiha’s cup of tea. 

“That baka doesn’t understand true art, only you and Dave do, he’s just a fool who shoved his chakra and heart into a husk of wood, un!” Deidara is kind of stewing over his partner’s idiocy, but it's nothing new so everyone kind of ignores him, it’s easier than trying to kill him, at least. His left palm, which he has named ‘Dave’, is chewing on something really hard. Deidara doesn’t seem to mind, but Itachi’s eyes are red and Kakuzu, who is counting his wads of money on the other side of the couch, is twitching in the same way he does when he thinks about stabbing something. 

“Which shouldn’t even be possible!” Deidara has started to try to dig out whatever Dave is chewing on with his other hand, Fredrick isn’t really helping but it’s fine. “He can take his chakra and heart and shove it up h-” The blond man stops talking abruptly.

(Kisame is disappointed because he just lost a bet on how long it would take for someone to snap and kill the idiot.)

“Huh,” Deidara says slowly, a look vaguely similar to the expression one makes when they’re constipated falling over his visible features. Tobi, who is actually Obito, thinks this means Deidara is trying to use his brain and he also think this may get him killed but he’s trying to decide if he really cares today.    
  
Sasori and Hidan make the mistake of entering this room at this point, and this is really when all things go to hell. 

“Hey, bastard,” Deidara calls out, shaking Dave around kind of aggressively in a half hearted attempt to get him to spit out whatever he’s been chewing on even while his attention is on the red head. “If you can walk around like some glorified coffee table, can you walk around as  _ anything _ ?” Sasori pauses at the question, looking a lot like Deidara just spat at him and told him to fuck off, and at this exact moment Dave decides to spit what was in his mouth across the room.

A wad of chewed up money hits Kazuku in the face. 

There is an audible beat of silence in which Obito thinks there’s at least four people planning at least ten different ways to kill Deidara without getting blamed, and then Kazuku dives for the blond, forming words seems kind of beyond his level of rage right now but the point is driven across by the kuani he draws and aims for Deidara’s throat. 

(Deidara is going to come back to this particular train of thought when he’s not running for his life, Kisame is less sad now because he's pretty sure he's about to win that bet.)

* * *

A month later, Deidara carries in a giant teddy bear, the same color as the of sand in Suna, and wiggles it in Sasori’s face. It’s nearly the same size as Kisame. Dave is chewing on it’s right ear, trying to pull out it’s stuffing. Fredrick is drooling on the other ear. It’s fine. 

“Hey Bastard-baka, I bet you one hundred ryo you can’t jutsu possess this shit bear like you did with that polished piece of oak ass you run around in, un!” Deidara practically yells right in Sasori’s face, who had been having a pretty good day up until this moron showed up. 

Pein stands up and leaves the room, he’s not interested in seeing this particular trainwreck unfold.

“Why would I do that you-” Sasori was trying to stay very calm but- “It’s  _ art _ .” Deidara sneers. Itachi pinches his nose. Kisame looks like he already knows how this is going to go wrong but isn’t interested in the slightest in telling anyone else. Hidan is napping. Kazuku isn’t in the shared living space, which is good because he’s still trying to kill the blond bomber.

“Fine.” Sasori grinds out, not so much in favor of the money he’ll be pocketing but most so in the fact that’ll probably get Deidara to shut up for at least a month. 

(This ends up being the biggest mistake ever, but like, its fine.)   
  


* * *

  
“What the  _ fuck _ .” Hidan is staring up into black, beady eyes. The eyes are connected to a gaint fucking teddy bear thats presenty towering over the man. Deidara has been laughing in the background for at least thirty minutes, Kisame looks like someone just told him he was going to be a dad, and Itachi is trying very hard to not look absolutely disgusted which really, Hidan can agree with.    
  
Basically, Sasori tried to touse their resident blond moron in a bet, and ended up stuck in a big ass stuffed animal because the genius seemed to momentarily forget fingers were necessary for jutsu. The teddy bear doesn’t have fingers, just rounded stubs for hands, it’s right ear is torn to pieces like a rabid dog attacked it, and there's a drool patch thats dried into the left back side of its head. Oh, and it’s growling. 

“I’m going to kill you all.” Sasori says, and the stuffed animals mouth  _ moves _ .

“What the _fuck_?” Hidan says again, because seriously, what the fuck dude?   
  
(Sasori discovers he was very much wrong earlier, this is _so_ not fine.)

* * *

Sakura, Naruto, Kakashi, and Lady Chiyo stand in the opening of a cavern, they are wrecked with rage and fear. One of their friends, the Kazekage of Suna, has been taken and killed, and they’re staring at a blond mence sit on his corpse. They are out for blood, but also…

“What the hell is  _ that _ .” Kakashi says flatly as they all pause, staring at the large...teddy bear? Wearing an Akasuki cloak? What.

Sasori has been living in this husk of fluff for a year now, and his actual will to live and dimmed down to absolutely nothing. He can’t leave this cursed form, and he can’t practice his art. So really, he doesn’t even care when the pink haired brat kills him.

(Sakura feels very weird ripping what would be the man's heart out of a stuffed animal that looks a lot like the one on her bed at home, albit bigger. She’ll probably throw that one away, after she burns this one.)   


**Author's Note:**

> ok so, thanks for reading if you got this far! i'm apologizing now because it was 1am when my friends were talking about ??? this ??? not even sure how we got here, but one thing led to another and 3 hours later im posting this. 
> 
> if anyone is interested in more awful crack fics, leave me ideas in the comment section, maybe i'll make this a series. 
> 
> -Null


End file.
